Defining Our Own Identity
Is that your real name? I get that question all the time. Not a bad thing, really. Actually, I kind of like it. But at the beginning, I struggled with the answer.
Yes, yes it is, I would brush off shyly.
Because for a while there, I was embarrassed. I felt silly, like I was masquerading around as someone else, playing games, and wearing pajamas. I felt like they could see right through me, into my secret soul, and then make fun of my weird choices. I was afraid that someone was going to call me out on it, excited, but also fake. There was so much meaning and strength to my name; but back then, I didn't know how to tell them in a way that didn't sound stupid. Because who changes their name? Why would it be any kind of a big deal? Shakespeare taught us, a rose by any other name should smell as sweet, right? So, then why would I change it? I asked the world, why not? And this is what I now say.
My name is Amy Rise Infinity and my reasons begin here. For some people, a name is just a name. For me, my name is wrapped up in my identity, both as a woman and as a trailblazer. I am Amy Endless - endless possibilities, endless chances, complications, ups and downs, goods and bads, and infinite possibilities. My name embodies what I stand for - the fact that we are all only limited by what we believe, thus even the sky is a limit; I believe in beyond. No limits. And I have discovered that, through my name, I can remind myself and others that this world of possibility exists.
My middle name, Rise, is my journey. Some days are a struggle, getting through anxiety, depression, a past that has let me down, and things that still whack at me. But I get up and I rise, time and time again, from the ashes, from the pit, from the floor. My name reminds me that I can rise, even when I think I cannot.
Changing my name meant this strength for me and more, including confirming the right, especially as a woman, to choose our own named identity and be who we really are. My hope is that, by exploring this process, I might inspire you to do the same, through your name or perhaps something else entirely.
Funnily, in retrospect, I see that my new name became the one thing that wasn't false in my life. It evolved in a way I didn't even see coming. By the time I was 30, I had already changed my name three times (twice married, now soon to be twice divorced, and a whole lot of in between); so, in some way, changing it was my redemption of myself.
In approaching this change, I discovered that I had strong feelings about named identity, especially in regard to familial and societal expectation, gender, and labels. My relationship with my family, over the years, has been quietly disheartening in the categories of love, goals, and dreams. Thus, the idea of going back to my childhood name felt wrong. Seeing it again would be an admission of defeat and the lack of support from some of them in my life. I wanted the opposite. I wanted a name that would feel empowering and meant moving forward, epitomizing the strength and love that I had built within myself and how far I had come.
I also realized that, as a woman, our given names are never actually ours, technically speaking; they are always the name of our male counterparts, husband or father, even when we use our maiden name (which is our mother's husband or father's name). It has been this way for centuries. Why? Tradition. And I respect traditions to some degree. But I am also not my father's, nor anyone else's. I am grateful and thankful for the men and history of my life, and I respect anyone who lives by this tradition; but, for me, it was time to toss the antiquated system on its head and choose my own named identity.
After delaying with fear and waiting for a divorce that would not come quickly, I finally got the gumption. And what a year to choose (2020). A few days after the New Year, I stood up alone in front of a judge and confirmed my new name. I told no one because, personally, it was a victory just for me. But I was more than happy to share it with the few others who were there at the courthouse. It was an atmosphere of celebration and liberation, something I did not expect; a peaceful confirmation of who we truly are, in a tiny courtroom at dawn. I watched a few people go before me: a man who wanted to change his name for business purposes, a woman who did not like her previous name, and a few people transitioning to their true gender identity. We all genuinely clapped and cheered for each other, heartened by the courage that we shared, to say, yes, this is who I AM.
Which brings me to my point. If you take anything from this read, please take at least this. Love and respect who you are, whomever you are. If your name is a part of that identity for you, CHOOSE what feels right. Be who you want to be. Be who you were meant to become. If name is no big deal to you, that is totally okay as well. Just remember, as with identity itself, you DO have the right to choose, especially if it will help you on your journey to becoming the you that you've always wanted to be.
I am now moving forward into mine. I am trying to do so organically and gently, if there's really a way to do that. But that's not to say that you shouldn't skywrite your own name change. Celebrate and do you! It is liberating! Definitely scary, definitely wobbly, and you definitely feel like a fake for a little while...but, eventually, it sticks and, if it's meant to be, you will feel better, and more "ME" than you have ever felt. For me, that's feeling free as Amy Rise Infinity.
Changing Your Name - The Process
Every state has its own rules in regard to name change. In most states, this process is done at the county level. Here are the basics to get you started:
1) Choose your name
2) Start using it in your own circles if you like
3) For business purposes, if you do use it as a stage or pen name, just make sure you file official, copyright, and tax documents with your legal name. If you choose to use it as a professional name before you have it legally changed, make sure you include it as a DBA (doing business as) in your business documents and registration.
*Using your new name in personal or artistic arenas will help you decide if legal name change is the road you want to go.
4) Determine, in your state and county, the process and regulations regarding legal name change. If it is uber-complicated, you may want to seek legal advice from a legal professional.
5) If the cost is a big consideration in your process, make sure to figure in the following (for me, it was a few hundred; but it depends largely on what you are figuring in as the total cost and your state/county requirements):
· Name change application cost
· Official County Name Registration cost (At first, I thought these first two were the same; in my county, there were two separate costs for application and registration)
· Cost for changing your name on your Driver's License, Vehicle Title, and Registration (usually, a separate charge for each)
· Cost for changing your U.S. passport
· (Only if applicable) Advertisement - some states and counties require a public advertisement or multiple announcements and a waiting period to make sure someone does not have an objection. Depending on where you live, the cost can be considerable (i.e. advertising in a big city is usually more than a small town)
· (Only if applicable) Legal fees
6) Apply/Petition/Register - This process varies per state and county.
In my case, it was a simple process of showing up to the county courthouse at dawn with my completed application and a check in hand. The form was a very simple form, basically having us confirm the "why" for the name change and affirm that we were not trying to evade debt or prosecution by assuming another identity. I handed my form in at a clerk desk, paid the fee, then waited my turn in the courtroom to stand up and answer the judge when he asked a few questions to confirm why I wanted to change my name. Voila. That was it. He signed the approval; then, I took the approved form to another clerk downstairs to pay for the registration, get certified copies of the change (which you need for changing your Driver's License, Registration, and Social Security Card), and it was official (all in one day, in my case; *some states/counties require multiple steps over multiple days).
7) Announce/Advertise (if required by state/county)
8) Don't Forget to get your Certified Copies of the Official Name Change (get at least 2-3 copies, depending on your state's DMV and policy requirements; Social Security requires one certified copy; US Passport also takes another)!
9) Change your Social Security Card
10) Change your Driver's License
11) Change your Vehicle Title and Registration (and Insurance policy)
12) Change your U.S. Passport
13) Change any other legal documents
14) Things to think of and remember to change:
· Bank accounts
· Credit cards
· Insurance policies
· Mortgage/Deed/Rental contracts
· Memberships
· This is not an exhaustive list, nor am I a legal professional. Please seek counsel if you have further questions.
What I have found is that some things are more flexible in regard to timeline. Take the stress off of yourself. You cannot do EVERYTHING all at once. Some things cannot be done before others are in place, and some steps take a little time. For example, getting your Social Security Card in the mail typically takes a few weeks, which you need in order to change your Driver's License; then, your Driver's License takes a little bit more time, which you need in order to change your Vehicle Registration and Bank Accounts.
Believe me, I headed into this process with sweeping aspirations (and worries) to make it all be on the same page all at once; but it is a process and there is a trail. So, as long as you aren't hiding from your former identity (which you shouldn't be), it is still traceably you. For your stress' sake, do what is necessary, legally; then, take a breather and do next what seems natural and appropriate.
All in all, it mostly depends upon your state and county just how simple or how complicated the legal process of name change outside of marriage or divorce is or could be. But a lot of it also depends upon your approach, your intent, and your planning. Many people don't consider a selective name change out of assuming that it is an arduous process. I will concede that it is not an "easy" change because there are so many moving parts to consider. But what I will say is that IT IS WORTH IT if it is worth it to you. And I am here to reassure you, you are making the right choice, whatever that choice might be.